Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
