nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
