this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
