dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
