You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
