I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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