just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Are my feet made of real feet?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
