I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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