im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
