I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
