I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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