When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
