Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
