two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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