90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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