I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
