Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
