Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
