Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
