Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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