im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize