you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
