Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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