I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
