Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
