Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
