bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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