I just saw a hot homeless man
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
