her vagine was all disorganized.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
