I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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