it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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