i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
