Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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