yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
