the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
