they need to just BURY HIM!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
