I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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