How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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