the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
