i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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