Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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