And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
