All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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