1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
