mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
