Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You made out with two different species that night
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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