Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize