he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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