every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
