the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize