Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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