we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
