Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
