i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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