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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize