well I can't set my house on fire every night
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
