Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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