When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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