i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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