i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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